Christmas??

"Dawn of Redeeming Grace"

As some of you know, I’m not much of a Christmas person. I don’t do much Christmas music, I don’t wear a Santa hat, and I probably wouldn’t even decorate if I lived alone. Over the years I’ve become a bit of a scrooge. I realized it was all the hype that comes with the season. People getting trampled at the mall, cheesy Christmas movies, 73 different versions of the horrendous song "Last Christmas", and families fighting over whose house they’ll celebrate at and who gets to cook the Christmas ham. Really? Is any of this really worth it?

Don’t get me wrong though. I do love that I get to spend time with family, especially now that we’re starting to spread out. I do love buying or making that perfect gift for someone I care about. But in the end, something feels so…..unsatisfying. I always feel like there should be something more. Maybe if I got that one thing. How come they got more than I did. The selfishness of the season drives me nuts. MY selfishness during the season drives me nuts. I’ve actually stopped asking for things and when someone asks me what I want, I just shrug and say, “Surprise me.” I’m trying to avoid being disappointed, but I always know that in the end I’m human.

I really had to step back and evaluate what this time of year SHOULD mean. After a hard year and having done my grad project on Mary and her expectations, it struck me. It’s about Light coming out of darkness. I don’t have to reiterate that Israel was looking for the Messiah. But think about it. There is so much silence between Malachi and Matthew….so much darkness. The name Mary was actually a common name of the day because of its meaning of “bitterness.” People in that day were bitter at the Romans and their circumstances. It wasn’t a good situation. The people were looking for hope. For Light. Then……BAM! The Light of the world came to earth. The God who created Mary, who created Joseph, who created the hay He laid in, who created the animals who watched Him, who created the angels who herald His birth, who created the people who mocked Him, who created the tree from which the wood of the cross came, and who created me for whom He died....that God became a helpless baby. Being a nanny has helped me see how helpless babies can be. His glory is magnified by His insignificance. But, at my darkest time when I was wallowing in my sin, there was Light. At my darkest times when I’m struggling to hold on God’s promises, there is Light. Looking at this dark world, there is Light. Holding on to this is beautiful. I can’t help but fall more in love with my Savior. He is my Dawn of redeeming grace.

So, I know I can’t change the craziness and cheesiness of Christmas, but I can bask in the Light. I can fall in love with the Light. I can share the Light. The Light out of darkness.

Two new poems - Break Free and Beautiful Brokenness

Rough drafts, but a start. Just some needful expression.

Break Free

Standing here looking at the sky

I see the birds spread their wings and fly away

If they only knew how I envy them

But instead I’m stuck here with my feet on the ground.

I keep going round and round in my head

Dealing with the thoughts I can’t seem to shake.

It’s like my feet are stuck in the thickest mud

And I just can’t seem to get out.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I see and feel bars all around me

I feel the pain of the shackles on my feet

I search desperately for the key

Or at least something to pick the lock

I try to use substitutes and distractions

Things that will never replace

I try to do it on my own

But end up on my knees.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I’m going to break free

God has given the key

God has given me wings

God opens the door

I spread my wings

To break free

I’m going to break free

Beautiful Brokenness

There was that moment in time

When my world feel apart.

Doubled-over in pain

From a broken heart.

Everything went from bad to worse

Just like the life of Job.

I craved the sunrise

After the darkest night.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I see the faces around me

Haunted by suffering.

Hurt, distress, worry, grief.

Why must it be this way?

Amidst the dark, I see a dim light.

The light of hope not seen in the day.

If we never know pain

We’ll never know true joy.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I can’t shine til tried

A light in the dark

I can’t be beautiful

Til I’m broken

God uses the broken

Scars

"And there's always scars when you fall that far." - TobyMac

"In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood." - Dante


Lately I've really noticed the large scar on Jackson's chest. For those who don't know, Jackson, the little baby that I watch on a daily basis, was born with a heart defect. He had surgery when he was 4 months old to correct it, leaving him with a large scar on his chest. I call it his heart scar. Heart scar. Think about that for a minute. I know I have several times then I think of other heart scars. Those we can't see on the outside, but feel everyday. Know what I'm talking about? We all have them. Hurts from the past, either from others or ourselves. Some heal nicely, some not so nice. Some still itch, some get infected. No two scars alike.

I can still feel my two biggest scars. They have healed differently. One still itches, but the other one is barely visible. I'll share the latter. For those who don't know, I was involved in a serious car accident about 6 years ago. I came away with just a bruised arm, but the other driver did not come away at all...she was thrown under her car and killed instantly. The image will forever be seared into my mind. I will live with it for the rest of my life. Every time I hear about a car wreck, I cringe. Anyone remember that scene in Fireproof where those girls had wrecked their car and the firefighters were trying to get their car off the railroad tracks? Yeah, I bawled the whole time. There's a tender spot on my heart concerning that. A heart scar. Praise God, He has bound up the wound and allow a barely visible scar. How do I know that? Example: I was driving home from a friend's house late the other night and happened upon a wreck that looked incredibly similar to mine....car flipped. I have no clue if anyone was hurt, but it brought flashbacks to my mind. The mental pictures. But the incredible thing was that there was no hurt. There was no nightmare. Yes, still memories, but no pain. I knew God had taken care of it. He always does.

As for my other big scar, it still itches. It's different from the other so I know it will and has taken a different healing process. I'm ok with that. I have a faithful God so I know it will be ok.

What I have found to be the coolest part about scars is that they are scars. Not open wounds.  I think about the central line/tube that was in Jackson's chest. While it was in his body (his trial), he was bound by that. He was limited. My wounds limit me. My thoughts outside of trusting God limit me. Once the doctor's removed Jackson's tube, he was free. Free to be himself. Free to fly. The same goes with me. God removes my doubts by filling me with Him. That frees me. I am free to fly. Chains no longer bind me. Only the healing of Christ binds my wounds, and that ironically frees me. I am a bird with untainted wings.

Scars are what define us. Without them, we are not who we are supposed to be. We don't grow. They make us stronger. Take heart though. They will be dissolved in eternity....

"Our scars won't be eternal. His are." - Amy Carmichael

Healing

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Ps 147:3

Lately I’ve been thinking about, and experiencing, a healing process. Well, I would say in two ways. My sanctification as a whole, and then specific situations that bring the main sanctification along. Make sense? My main sanctification meaning life and being made new and like Christ, and then the subcategories and trials of life.

So, healing. Usually when something or someone heals (physical sense), it comes in stages. Take a broken leg for example. Stage one: set the bone. Stage two: get a cast. Stage three: where the cast for a horrendously long time, enduring itchiness and people’s signatures. Stage four: get cast off and do rehab. Each is important to properly heal (except maybe the signatures). I’m learning that my spiritual life is the same way. Thankfully when God breaks me, He heals me too. But, that healing comes in stages. It won’t all just get better in one fell swoop. And, unfortunately, just like people still have troubles with their knees after having torn their ACLs and had surgery, I’ll still (and do) struggle. Even during the healing.

I’m also realizing that life isn’t about the physical, the things we can touch, see, smell, hear, experience through senses. It’s about the spiritual. I may not have all I want physically or circumstantially, but I can still be content. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, no. It’s not. Honestly, there are a lot of things I wish I could change or ‘fix,’ but I’m learning that it’s myself that needs ‘fixing.’ Circumstances and the physical are just catalysts. God is healing me. He’s pushing me to trust Him more. Let Him handle it because He has so many times in the past. Yeah, He could fix the external. He has that power. But He’s choosing to fix the eternal, not the temporary. I think about all the times Jesus healed people during His time here on earth. Yes, He healed many physical needs, but His purpose was to heal the spiritual needs. So many times he would accompany the healings with “sin no more,” or “thy faith has saved you.” He wanted them to drink of the Living Water so they would thirst no more.

Going back to healing, I can’t help but thing of rehab. It can be hard. Really hard if you push yourself too much. Same with the spiritual. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle without Him, so I think that’s why He gives us little trials and then they usually seem to get bigger and bigger, but really, if we’re growing and becoming stronger in Christ, they really aren’t bigger. Make sense? Like with weightlifting, the stronger you get, the bigger weights you can lift and it gets easier. I think the more God tests us and we see Jesus, the easier it will be to give ourselves to Him. Not easy, mind you. Just easier.

I am a broken person. I will always struggle. But it’s not about my circumstances. It’s about my responses to them. That’s what God wants to heal. God, change my heart. Let me see you bigger. You’re choosing to fix the eternal, not the temporary.

Thoughts? How has God been healing you?

"Works"

Works

So, people will probably disagree with me here, but I’m ok with that. This blog was meant for the spilling of thoughts, and these are just mine. I am not the best with words, so I added quite a bit of Scripture at the end, because God says it better....and it's where I'm coming from.

I recently came across a debate about the idea of pursuing God with everything we have. It then basically came down to doing works for God in order to gain His pleasure. Now, my stance is that I do ‘works’ for God, or rather in His name, out of love for His extravagant love for me. If you have read some of my previous posts, hopefully it’s been evident how God has been the theme of my song because of His not giving up on me when most of the time I wanted to despair. Is it wrong to want to serve and do ‘works’ for Someone who has shown so much love for me? Now, I do know that I will fail….I have so many times before. Even Christ said to His disciples who fell asleep praying in the garden, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” God knows we will fail in our own strength. That’s why He tells us it is His work in us. But, because of His wonderful work on the cross and His work of grace in my life, I cannot help but sing His name! The more I get to know Him, the more my love for Him grows!

Seeing this debate, I started to get somewhat discouraged. Because I want to delight in my God and serve Him, I’m accused of ‘works-based sanctification’? Honestly, that gave me a thought of despair. Not because I can’t control my own righteousness (I would certainly fail at that!), but because I felt like I was looked down upon for wanting to show love to the Lover of my soul and the ones He created. I bring God nothing? Am I nothing to God? Obviously, not or He would not have died for me. He died for me for a purpose. Yes, I know it’s nothing I do in my own strength, but it made me feel that if I did anything good, I was wrong. As I was reading more of the debate and comments, something struck me. The term ‘works.’ If you’ve noticed, every time I have typed the words ‘works,’ it’s been in quotation marks. I did that on purpose. I couldn’t help but think, “But wait! We’re on the same team! We all want to bring God glory!” Then I realized that the word ‘works’ had never been defined. In fact, most of us probably have our own definition! I would see the phrase, “rigid rules and standards” as an idea of ‘works,’ but I don’t term it that way at all. Sadly, most people probably do though. When I think of ‘works,’ I think of many things that have nothing to do with rules or regulations. Encouraging a fellow believer, sharing the Gospel through my words and actions, giving to the helpless, trusting God during the hard times, getting to know God more, loving God more. None of these mean I’m a Christian if I do them, I know that, but it’s what I want to do because I am a Christian. God has changed my heart to desire these things. I do it out of love, not to gain anything. I do it just because, just like God loved us without rhyme or reason (Deut. 7:7-8) Would you call that a by-product, maybe? Honestly, I know I can’t do any of that in my own strength….my flesh would rather keep to myself and just be a spiritual vegetable, but because of the Spirit of Christ in me, I want to do more. God has made me more. He wants to manifest Himself through me. No, this life isn’t man-centered and it never should be, but yet God commands us to obey His commandments (“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart” – yep, that’s a command :P ), and He uses people to fulfill His will. He doesn’t have to, but He still does. That should encourage us. It encourages me.

So, maybe, let’s re-think and define the term ‘works.’ If you really love God, you’ll want to glorify Him and make Him known to others. Sometimes, that comes in different ways. I’ve seen in my own life that that meant/means brokenness. Re-defining my reactions to the circumstances God put me through. Reactions are still actions. Actions are ‘works.’ Even praying. I don’t pray so God will look at me and I’ll gain His favor and maybe even the answer I want, but for God to increase my faith. Praying is an action.

I don’t want to have a one-sided relationship….I love Him because He first loved me. I just want to show Him that. I want to be a shining light in this dark world....the shining light of God's glory.

I want to add Scripture to this. Now, I’m not attached to any ‘group’ or ‘label.’ I just follow Scripture and what it says. It defines what I believe because it shows me God. PLEASE share your thoughts! I would love to hear/see them! But, I do ask if you all could include Scripture, whether in agreement or contrary. The Word is alive. Let it speak for itself J

1 John 5:2 - By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments.

John 14:15 - "If you love me, you will keep my commandments.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Romans 15:30 - I appeal to you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in your prayers to God on my behalf,

Joel 2:13 - And rend your hearts and not your garments. "Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster.

Mark 12:30 - And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'

1 Peter 1:22

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart,

Galatians 2:20

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5

1For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love. 7 You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? 8This persuasion is not from him who calls you.

13For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

24And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

 25If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

Psalm 32:11 - Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

Psalm 63:5 - My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

Psalm 71:23 - My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed.

Matthew 25:21 - His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.'

Philippians 2 - Christ’s Example of Humility

 1So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

12Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. 14Do all things without grumbling or questioning, 15that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Philippians 3

7But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16Only let us hold true to what we have attained. 17Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.

Romans 12 A Living Sacrifice

1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

 3For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them:

9Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." 20To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Psalm 37:5 - Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.

Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 - The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

James 1

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6But let him ask in faith,

22But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.

James 2

15 If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?

19 You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! 20Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless? 21 Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar? 22You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works; 23and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness"—and he was called a friend of God.

Ephesians 3

14For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

 20Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 4

1I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

17Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. 25Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and give no opportunity to the devil. 28Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

24

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time where the calendar tells me another year has gone by and the number of years I’ve been on this earth has increased. People usually celebrate their own days. I usually do too, but I normally don’t advertise ;)

But one thing I do like to do…..reflect on the last year. Yeah, yeah, that’s for New Years’, right? Nah. Do it on your birthday. It’s much more special.

Where has God brought me during my 24^th year? Wow…to look at the past year, I’ve had my ups and downs, for sure. I’d like to say I’ve come a long way, but have I really? This past year was probably the most bittersweet so far. Had some incredible highs, incredible lows. I’ve seen some incredible despair, but also some incredible hope. Honestly, I’m not the same person I was when I turned 23. I’m not the same person I was yesterday. I don’t want to be. I want to keep growing. God’s grace for this wretched person has shone the brightest I’ve ever seen.

As I sit here in the hospital, watching little Jackson sleep, this is honestly the last place on earth I thought or dreamed I would be right now….I had other plans and dreams. BUT, by the grace of God, and I truly mean that, He had other plans and has brought me here. I have no doubt about that. NONE. His guiding hand was so evident and being in the center of His will is sweet. It’s beautiful. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

Bring on the next year.

I also want to share the song I have been and will be listening to constantly today J It’s an oldie, but a good reflection….especially when you turn 24 ;)

24 – Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans - Twenty four skies

Twenty four failures - Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me - In twenty-fourth place

Twenty four drop outs - At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was - Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong

With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices

With twenty four hearts

With all of my symphonies - In twenty four parts

But I want to be one today - Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change

Wrestled the angel, for more than a name

For more than a feeling - For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me

Twenty four voices - With twenty four hearts

With all of my symphonies - In twenty four parts.

I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out. 

James

Wow, where to start? Ever have so many thoughts running through your mind that no matter how hard you try to organize, even an iPad wouldn’t help?? The dilemma of my life at present. I just finished doing a quick read through the book of James and two main ideas really stuck out to me. One related to current events, and one that just overwhelmed my senses of gratitude.

First, James 5:13-18:

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth.  Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.

I have so tremendously blessed by the people around me. So many people who tell me they are praying for me and are genuinely interested in my struggles. I also have been given several opportunities to listen to others’ struggles and encourage them. This is the biggest blessing of the body of Christ! To share our struggles with one another and pray for each other. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many I know that I think about and pray for consistently. Life is hard. HARD! We need each other. The body of Christ is beautiful. Appreciate it.

Second, James 2:12-13:

So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

What gets me the most is “law of liberty.”

“I'm a slave until I'm captured

But You would never use a lock or a key

'Cause I am free” – Brandon Heath

Yes, we are slaves. But we are slaves to Christ! We live under a free law. The law of liberty. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Mercy seasons justice.” – Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice)

Mercy triumphs over judgment. What an incredible thought. The law of liberty allows us to use mercy. I mean, if I really got what I deserved under the OT law, I would be doomed. But mercy has been extended. Liberating.

Please share your thoughts. Read James. It’ll rock your worldview.

Talents

Ever have a passage of Scripture just……click? Something you’ve read over and over, and heard messages about over and over. And you’re thinking, ‘Yep!’ Yeah, just happened over here too.

Matthew 25:14-15

"For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away.”

I am your average person. Really, I am. I’m about as average as you can get. Please, please, no protests. No “Oh, but Leslie, you can do this or you can do that.” Just go with me here. I am an average person with a desire and wish I were more. I think we all have that desire. To be better people, whether it be in art, science, literature, business, gaming, fashion, etc. There is an inherent human desire to be ‘talented.’ I put ‘talented’ in quotation marks because well, it can be very subjective…..beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that jazz. But moving on. I am that average person who wishes she could excel greatly in something. To be perfectly honest, I have no extraordinary talent. I’m not an extraordinary writer like CS Lewis. I’m not an extraordinary composer/musician like Bach. I’m not an extraordinary singer like Aretha Franklin. I’m not an extraordinary actress like Julia Roberts. I’m not an extraordinary personality like Oprah. I’m not an extraordinary singer/songwriter like Adam Young and Jon Foreman. I am just me. Plain Jane Me. And quite honestly, I struggle with that. I can and have dabbled in things like writing, acting, singing, songwriting, but I am not amazing or probably ever will be in just one thing.

So, how does this apply to the parable of the talents, you may ask? I am the man with the one talent. I have been given little. But guess what? That’s ok. God has given it to me so that makes it precious. To mope and hide my talent, living in fear of man, I am like the servant who hid his and was rebuked. Instead, I need to work hard and multiply my talent, no matter how small. I have to still use it for God’s glory because it’s not mine anyways. I may have to work harder than some, but I think I will appreciate it more. And who knows, in searching and growing, maybe I will find that one thing I am passionate about and ‘talented’ in. That’s a beautiful thought.

Enemies - Poem

I don't claim to be a poet....I can't even adhere to any structure rules :P But, it's just thoughts. I'm hoping to use my writings for songs (with the help of my musician friends)

Enemies

War is raging.

Swords unsheathed, shields unveiled, amour secured.

Machine guns loaded, tanks fueled up, strategy revealed.

I get ready.

I’m not ready.

I see their shapes.

I see their faces.

I’m staring into their eyes.

They’re my enemies.

Huddled in a corner with my nightlight on, thinking it’s enough.

Hoping it’s enough

There they are, coming unnoticed.

I see some movement, hoping to ignore it.

There they are, I unwillingly see them.

I see their shapes.

I see their faces.

I’m staring into their eyes.

They’re my enemies.

I try to defeat them.

I try to overcome them.

I try to reason with them.

I try to ignore them.

They come when I least expect them.

They’re my enemies.

Staring them down, they seem very familiar.

Their shapes, which were many, now combined.

It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

Is that me? My face? 

My fear? My insecurity?

My doubt? My pride?

I see my shape.

I see my face.

I’m staring into my eyes.

I’m my enemy.

I try to defeat it.

I try to overcome it.

I try to reason with it.

I try to ignore it.

It comes when I least expect it.

I’m my enemy.

Prayer

Prayer is a curious thing. I have been thinking quite a bit about it lately and its complexities. Prayer? Complex? Well, no, not really, but our perspective on life, God, and circumstances make it complex. Honestly, it’s how we pray that makes it so complex.

I will give a real life example…..bear with me:

God chose to throw at me several trials over the last 6 months including a breakup, a graduate recital, a final semester of grad school, and job hunting. Each a different trial in and of itself. First though, the job hunting. There were 2 particular jobs that I wanted, but at different times. At first it was a teaching job in Guam. Beautiful island, teaching speech, incredible ministry. God saw fit to say no, though. Honestly, and some of my friends will attest to this, I was bitter. Wasn’t this a good job? I was willing to give up a lot to go and God knew I desired it. I prayed for it. Why would God deny me the awesome opportunity when I and so many others prayed for it? Did that mean He didn’t answer my prayer or just that He didn’t answer it the way I wanted Him to? Well, I moved on and tried to speak truth to myself that God was in control and wanted the best for me. Then came an opportunity to teach speech somewhere else. Definitely seemed like a perfect fit and I really desired it. While it was pending, God opened the door for 2 other combined possibilities back home. Another honest moment here: I didn’t want to move back home. It was actually the last thing on my list. I even had a horrid attitude while staying at home for a few weeks in the summer. So, I prayed earnestly and hard for the teaching job. Several others were praying for me too. But something curious happened……God started to change me through this action of prayer. How, you ask? Well, I was rebuked by how strong my desire overwhelmed the desire for God’s will. What if God willed me to stay home? What if His kingdom could be furthered through me by working and living at home? I had to change my prayer. Instead of just praying for the job I so desperately wanted, I also prayed that God would make my desire for His will stronger. I didn’t deny my desire for the job, I just softened it to God’s desires. It also made me start thinking, “Wait…..if God already has a plan, why am I praying anyways? He’s going to fulfill His will no matter how hard I pray for whatever outcome.” True. We can’t thwart God’s will. He’s bigger. His weakest is stronger than our strongest. I started doubting prayer. But then I realized that while I was praying, my faith strengthened and my love grew. What? How does that work? You know, I’m not sure exactly. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to know. But it works. Maybe because I knew I had someone on my side who is bigger than my circumstances and my emotions and my desires and I knew I couldn’t limit Him no matter how hard I tried. That’s beautiful. By the end, God gave/has given me peace. True, authentic peace. He has something for me. I don’t know what it is, but He does. That’s all I need to know. Again, beautiful.

God saw fit to say no again to the job on the top of my list. Why? I don’t know. Does that make Him less good for denying me a really great job? Maybe my view of what is ‘good’ is limited. God sees the forest…..I see the tree.

Note this: God ALWAYS answers prayer. Whenever I hear/see that God has seen fit to say yes to someone, the response is “God answers prayers!” Yes, you are right. But if He said no, would you be saying the same thing? You should be. God always answers, but He doesn’t always answer yes. Be ok with that. He knows better. He is bigger.

As far as the other trials/beautification processes go, I won’t take up any more space here, but ask me about it. Let’s do coffee. Let me show you how big my God is in my sight and life and the power of prayer. He has set me free and liberated me from myself. Awesome and beautiful. 

Christ-made-beautiful life

There’s something about going through life that’s beautiful. There is what we as finite beings term as beautiful: symphonies, thunderstorms, roses, waterfalls, true love, sleep, sushi, fireflies. But what about what God terms as beautiful? Broken hearts, refining fire, endurance beyond pain, tears. Why do I look at that list and cringe? When God takes away the things I held dear and puts me through a dry season, why do I have a hard terming that as ‘good’? Why is there a disconnect? Doesn’t God promise to give ‘good’ things? Looking at life, it rots. I live in a sin-crusted world where our definite of ‘good’ is what will bring me temporary happiness. Absolutely nothing wrong with being happy. But what happens when I don’t get that? Do I say God isn’t giving His child ‘good’ things? I desire ‘good’ things. Are they the ‘best’ things? That is for God to decide. That is the paradox in my heart. Is it wrong to desire ‘good’ things and even ‘excellent’ things? Clearly not. But what happens when God does not deem them the ‘best’ things? Do I deny His goodness when He withholds a ‘good’ thing? Or is it that my view of a ‘good’ thing is skewed? All I know is that God is good. Anything compared to Him is mediocre. Do I, then, continue to pursue good and excellent things when all I need is in Him? I am learning that maybe, just maybe, my view of ‘good’ is struggling. The taking away and dry season is good. Not getting the job I want and think I need is good. Not seeing God say yes or even just say wait is good. God seeming to say yes, then say no is good. God is making me beautiful. I am a beautiful mess. Letting go, breaking, denying selfishness. All insanely hard. I don’t want to. I don’t want to let go, break, deny my selfishness. Yet, I do. I want to with all of my soul, but not all of my flesh. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” My weakness threatens spiritual depression. Dents in my armor. Searching for spiritual Zoloft. What am I to do? “Take heart.” Take heart? “I have overcome the world.” What does this mean? “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the world?” Well, I mean, I felt like I needed to fix this. "Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place?”

Stop. Think. Gaze.

Beautiful.

This life isn’t my own. Not devised by my own hands. It’s a flash. Gone in a blink.

Beautiful.

Fashioned by a huge God Who fashioned this huge world.

Beautiful.

Take heart.

It’s all beautiful.