Desert

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." ~ Job 13:15

The sand has been caught between my toes for a while now. The desert seems endless though I've been here for what feels like forever. Looking forward seems impossible, but have I actually gone anywhere? *Cough* More sand.

Though, I look back over the last year--well, perhaps longer than that--when I started to feel the desert air in my soul, and see God's hand in it all. That gives a little oasis to my soul. Little sips of water. But God has worked. Not necessarily circumstantially (which He has), but internally.

I can recall many nights, sitting on my bedroom floor, crying, wrestling, pouring; recall drives to and from campus having frustrated conversations between God and me; mornings getting ready and wrestling with truth to get through the day--all questioning God's goodness to me. Why had so much failed? Had I failed? Had I followed God the wrong way? How do I fix this Is my faith strong enough? Where's the fruit, the stuff I expect to be tangible? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I follow and obey selflessly and with abandon? Why can't I shake this loneliness, this restlessness? Where was He? Would He ever show up? Why had He abandoned me? Had He failed me? Is He really good?

Then I look back, see my self-,destructive focus, and see how God has worked in my heart despite all of that. All of those questions. God has slowly been transforming my mind and heart to see His goodness. My temporal mindset tends to look at my "successes," my "failures"; to compare myself to someone else's "blessings," and wonder if God had forgotten me. My temporal perspective leads me to deeper insecurities that go beyond to dark places God hasn't revealed yet (and praise Him for slow revealing!).

But slowly--through this wilderness, through the wrestling--but surely, God is showing me just how good and faithful He is.

Through His Word I've seen the struggles of Abraham, Sarah, Job, Jonah, David, Hannah, Paul, and so many others. Was He ever not faithful?
Through the sunrises I witnessed almost every morning Emily and I would drag ourselves out of bed to put ourselves through torture (we called it "exercise").
Through the vast expanse of stars that were always there to overwhelm and engulf my senses, making me feel less alone.
Through the persistence of Christ-like friends who insisted on being my friends, being there even when I felt the loneliest.

But mainly through constant reminders of what Jesus did for me on the cross. He loved my heart to death. If that doesn't prove His goodness to me, then goodness doesn't exist. He died--that's enough.

"It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me."

I was able to share the Gospel with 6 year-olds tonight--simple and unadulterated--and to rehearse the simple, yet profound and life-altering truths is healing to my restless soul. It is a light to my wandering heart. It is water to my wilderness-walking being.

I still have so far to go. God hasn't revealed the end. And I'm sure doubt, wrestling, and waiting still await me. But slowly, God is transforming. Not to live with some mountain-top joy, but to be ok with the desert, one step at a time. It's the desert where God meets His weakest.

He's always been faithful, and He hasn't changed yet.

Hair Journey

So, tonight, a 3 year hair journey ended with a few short snips of the scissors. "3 years?" one might ask. Well, let me explain.

3 years ago I had a drastic hair cut...for those who knew me then remember how short. Almost too short (think pixie cut, but slightly longer). It left a bad taste in my mouth so I decided that I wasn't going to cut my hair for at least a year. After that year was over and my hair was much longer (in comparison), I kind of liked it longer and others that I was close to did too. Now, people talk about attaching memories to inanimate objects...well, that happened to be my hair. I remember events and memories based on my hair length. Sounds silly, but if you've ever experienced the same phenomena with an object, place, song, etc., then you understand. It's like, when you hear that certain song, a certain memory pops us. That.

The turning point in deciding that I would grow my hair out to donate happened about a year and a half ago. As some know, I nannied a little boy who had leukemia at the time (praise the Lord, he doesn't anymore :) ) and had to spend many hours and days in the hospital with him. While there I saw many kids who were battling cancer as well and I wanted to do something to help. Obviously, I'm not a doctor or could be a caregiver to all of them. I already regularly gave blood (seeing blood transfusions was neat), and then it dawned on me that with my hair getting longer and longer, I could donate that. I had gotten used to not cutting it so I knew I could be patient enough to keep growing it. The times I did want to cut it after that, I always pictured Jackson's little face and the faces of the other kids battling for their lives and I left it alone. If I could alleviate at least one thing in one kid's life, that would be awesome.

As time went on, I grew attached to my hair (no pun intended ;) ), and again, I had attached so many memories to it. But then God started me on a journey a couple of months ago that made tonight quite appropriate for this cutting. He brought me to Northland, a place I never expected to be, threw me in a play where I discovered aspects of theatre I never explored, and gave me relationship opportunities I never expected. A new chapter. A changing mindset. It may seem silly (and since when do I care what others think? ;) ), but cutting my hair was symbolic. Giving of myself. Letting go. Not of the memories, but allowing myself to move forward to continue to give of myself. Nothing of me or my life is mine. It's for the purpose of serving and loving others. Giving my hair is just a start.

Beautiful

Beauty.

What is beauty?

So subjective, so abstract, so far-fetched.

So many definitions can be given:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Beauty is only skin deep.”

Beautiful. Lovely. Gorgeous. Pretty. Cute.

We’ve heard these words, we’ve used these words. To compliment, to describe.

I’ve been mulling this idea over in my mind recently after watching the Dove video (Real Beauty by Dove) about how women perceive themselves and beauty. Then, just tonight, I noticed how a friend had a hard time taking a compliment from someone saying she was lovely. Now, I’ve seen this happen before with other people and even myself. Why do we cringe at the thought? Why do we have a hard time smiling and saying, “thank you”? Why do we assume someone is lying when they say that we are beautiful? Pride? Fear? Because we don’t think we’ve reached the image of manufactured beauty in our heads? I see beautiful girls around me. Those with perfect sleek hair, size 4 skinny pants, proportionate facial features. I think to myself, “Man, I wish I could look like that.” Then someone tells me I’m adorable and I want to scream at them, “STOP LYING TO ME!” Can’t you tell how loving I am to them? ;)

But what really makes someone beautiful? Is there only one definition of beauty? I say yes, and no. I do think there is an absolute beauty just like there is absolute truth. But, I don’t believe we really know what it is or can ever achieve it. I believe it’s found in God alone, but that He shares it with us. He, in His wondrous, creative, and perfect way has crafted and fashioned us in what He beholds as beautiful. Created in His image. The world around us is fashioned by Him. Beautifully and wonderfully made. But, like I said before, I don’t believe we can truly see it or achieve true beauty. Why? Sin. Sin mares us, our world, and our perspective. Our own selfishness creeps in. Our skewed and perverted minds take charge. Beauty in the eye of the beholder? Yes, but that beholder is tainted by sin.

True beauty comes from Christ. The cross. The ugliest and cruelest thing imaginable is the most beautiful thing our eyes and minds can behold in this life. It brings redemption, freedom, eternal life, a relationship with a beautiful God. When we hold on to that and cherish it and let that fill our minds, hearts, souls….then we start to get a better grasp and perspective on true beauty. And that….makes us beautiful. If someone calls me beautiful, I want it to be because they see Christ. And ya know, sometimes others will see that before I will. I know my sin crusted heart…I know my struggles with sin…I know I’m not perfect and wake up every morning battling the ugliness. But because of Christ, I am beautiful. I wear His robes.

Beautiful.

Ezekiel 16

Ezekiel 16...a passage that was pointed out to me over a year ago and now a passage I go to every once in a while to remind myself of where God has brought me despite my unfaithfulness to Him.

I was abandoned.
I was wallowing in filth.
Wallowing in my own filthy blood.
No hope.

God chose me.
God rescued me from my filth.
God died for me.
God made me His child.

I live as His child for a while.
I cherish being His bride for a while.
I abandon Him for a while.

I trusted in my own beauty.
I went after other lovers.
My heart is an idol factory.

He pursued me.
He chose me.
I am His child no matter what.

I am faithless.
I am unfaithful.
God is faithful.
God is love.

What love is this...none else will ever satisfy.

Long time, no see....same God

Wow, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. Almost forgot I had it. Almost decided to forget about it completely. Not sure why I came back to it, but something drew me to it again. After reading through all of my past entries, I immediately became insecure at how open and honest I was about some things. I ask myself why now...why am I insecure and fearful at the amazing works of my God in my life? Am I looking at how others will perceive me or how others will perceive my God?

I'm glad I came back to it. I'm glad I reread the entries. Some stuff as happened since then....and by some I mean a whole stinkin bunch of stuff. Maybe little by little in the future I will reveal the journey God has brought me through over the last year and a few months. It would be good for me to do that...probably quite humbling.

In the meantime, I'll just leave you all with this thought: God is sovereign and God is good. They are inseparable. How? Not sure, but I know it's true.

Christmas??

"Dawn of Redeeming Grace"

As some of you know, I’m not much of a Christmas person. I don’t do much Christmas music, I don’t wear a Santa hat, and I probably wouldn’t even decorate if I lived alone. Over the years I’ve become a bit of a scrooge. I realized it was all the hype that comes with the season. People getting trampled at the mall, cheesy Christmas movies, 73 different versions of the horrendous song "Last Christmas", and families fighting over whose house they’ll celebrate at and who gets to cook the Christmas ham. Really? Is any of this really worth it?

Don’t get me wrong though. I do love that I get to spend time with family, especially now that we’re starting to spread out. I do love buying or making that perfect gift for someone I care about. But in the end, something feels so…..unsatisfying. I always feel like there should be something more. Maybe if I got that one thing. How come they got more than I did. The selfishness of the season drives me nuts. MY selfishness during the season drives me nuts. I’ve actually stopped asking for things and when someone asks me what I want, I just shrug and say, “Surprise me.” I’m trying to avoid being disappointed, but I always know that in the end I’m human.

I really had to step back and evaluate what this time of year SHOULD mean. After a hard year and having done my grad project on Mary and her expectations, it struck me. It’s about Light coming out of darkness. I don’t have to reiterate that Israel was looking for the Messiah. But think about it. There is so much silence between Malachi and Matthew….so much darkness. The name Mary was actually a common name of the day because of its meaning of “bitterness.” People in that day were bitter at the Romans and their circumstances. It wasn’t a good situation. The people were looking for hope. For Light. Then……BAM! The Light of the world came to earth. The God who created Mary, who created Joseph, who created the hay He laid in, who created the animals who watched Him, who created the angels who herald His birth, who created the people who mocked Him, who created the tree from which the wood of the cross came, and who created me for whom He died....that God became a helpless baby. Being a nanny has helped me see how helpless babies can be. His glory is magnified by His insignificance. But, at my darkest time when I was wallowing in my sin, there was Light. At my darkest times when I’m struggling to hold on God’s promises, there is Light. Looking at this dark world, there is Light. Holding on to this is beautiful. I can’t help but fall more in love with my Savior. He is my Dawn of redeeming grace.

So, I know I can’t change the craziness and cheesiness of Christmas, but I can bask in the Light. I can fall in love with the Light. I can share the Light. The Light out of darkness.

Two new poems - Break Free and Beautiful Brokenness

Rough drafts, but a start. Just some needful expression.

Break Free

Standing here looking at the sky

I see the birds spread their wings and fly away

If they only knew how I envy them

But instead I’m stuck here with my feet on the ground.

I keep going round and round in my head

Dealing with the thoughts I can’t seem to shake.

It’s like my feet are stuck in the thickest mud

And I just can’t seem to get out.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I see and feel bars all around me

I feel the pain of the shackles on my feet

I search desperately for the key

Or at least something to pick the lock

I try to use substitutes and distractions

Things that will never replace

I try to do it on my own

But end up on my knees.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I’m going to break free

God has given the key

God has given me wings

God opens the door

I spread my wings

To break free

I’m going to break free

Beautiful Brokenness

There was that moment in time

When my world feel apart.

Doubled-over in pain

From a broken heart.

Everything went from bad to worse

Just like the life of Job.

I craved the sunrise

After the darkest night.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I see the faces around me

Haunted by suffering.

Hurt, distress, worry, grief.

Why must it be this way?

Amidst the dark, I see a dim light.

The light of hope not seen in the day.

If we never know pain

We’ll never know true joy.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I can’t shine til tried

A light in the dark

I can’t be beautiful

Til I’m broken

God uses the broken