Enemies - Poem

I don't claim to be a poet....I can't even adhere to any structure rules :P But, it's just thoughts. I'm hoping to use my writings for songs (with the help of my musician friends)

Enemies

War is raging.

Swords unsheathed, shields unveiled, amour secured.

Machine guns loaded, tanks fueled up, strategy revealed.

I get ready.

I’m not ready.

I see their shapes.

I see their faces.

I’m staring into their eyes.

They’re my enemies.

Huddled in a corner with my nightlight on, thinking it’s enough.

Hoping it’s enough

There they are, coming unnoticed.

I see some movement, hoping to ignore it.

There they are, I unwillingly see them.

I see their shapes.

I see their faces.

I’m staring into their eyes.

They’re my enemies.

I try to defeat them.

I try to overcome them.

I try to reason with them.

I try to ignore them.

They come when I least expect them.

They’re my enemies.

Staring them down, they seem very familiar.

Their shapes, which were many, now combined.

It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

Is that me? My face? 

My fear? My insecurity?

My doubt? My pride?

I see my shape.

I see my face.

I’m staring into my eyes.

I’m my enemy.

I try to defeat it.

I try to overcome it.

I try to reason with it.

I try to ignore it.

It comes when I least expect it.

I’m my enemy.

Prayer

Prayer is a curious thing. I have been thinking quite a bit about it lately and its complexities. Prayer? Complex? Well, no, not really, but our perspective on life, God, and circumstances make it complex. Honestly, it’s how we pray that makes it so complex.

I will give a real life example…..bear with me:

God chose to throw at me several trials over the last 6 months including a breakup, a graduate recital, a final semester of grad school, and job hunting. Each a different trial in and of itself. First though, the job hunting. There were 2 particular jobs that I wanted, but at different times. At first it was a teaching job in Guam. Beautiful island, teaching speech, incredible ministry. God saw fit to say no, though. Honestly, and some of my friends will attest to this, I was bitter. Wasn’t this a good job? I was willing to give up a lot to go and God knew I desired it. I prayed for it. Why would God deny me the awesome opportunity when I and so many others prayed for it? Did that mean He didn’t answer my prayer or just that He didn’t answer it the way I wanted Him to? Well, I moved on and tried to speak truth to myself that God was in control and wanted the best for me. Then came an opportunity to teach speech somewhere else. Definitely seemed like a perfect fit and I really desired it. While it was pending, God opened the door for 2 other combined possibilities back home. Another honest moment here: I didn’t want to move back home. It was actually the last thing on my list. I even had a horrid attitude while staying at home for a few weeks in the summer. So, I prayed earnestly and hard for the teaching job. Several others were praying for me too. But something curious happened……God started to change me through this action of prayer. How, you ask? Well, I was rebuked by how strong my desire overwhelmed the desire for God’s will. What if God willed me to stay home? What if His kingdom could be furthered through me by working and living at home? I had to change my prayer. Instead of just praying for the job I so desperately wanted, I also prayed that God would make my desire for His will stronger. I didn’t deny my desire for the job, I just softened it to God’s desires. It also made me start thinking, “Wait…..if God already has a plan, why am I praying anyways? He’s going to fulfill His will no matter how hard I pray for whatever outcome.” True. We can’t thwart God’s will. He’s bigger. His weakest is stronger than our strongest. I started doubting prayer. But then I realized that while I was praying, my faith strengthened and my love grew. What? How does that work? You know, I’m not sure exactly. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to know. But it works. Maybe because I knew I had someone on my side who is bigger than my circumstances and my emotions and my desires and I knew I couldn’t limit Him no matter how hard I tried. That’s beautiful. By the end, God gave/has given me peace. True, authentic peace. He has something for me. I don’t know what it is, but He does. That’s all I need to know. Again, beautiful.

God saw fit to say no again to the job on the top of my list. Why? I don’t know. Does that make Him less good for denying me a really great job? Maybe my view of what is ‘good’ is limited. God sees the forest…..I see the tree.

Note this: God ALWAYS answers prayer. Whenever I hear/see that God has seen fit to say yes to someone, the response is “God answers prayers!” Yes, you are right. But if He said no, would you be saying the same thing? You should be. God always answers, but He doesn’t always answer yes. Be ok with that. He knows better. He is bigger.

As far as the other trials/beautification processes go, I won’t take up any more space here, but ask me about it. Let’s do coffee. Let me show you how big my God is in my sight and life and the power of prayer. He has set me free and liberated me from myself. Awesome and beautiful. 

Christ-made-beautiful life

There’s something about going through life that’s beautiful. There is what we as finite beings term as beautiful: symphonies, thunderstorms, roses, waterfalls, true love, sleep, sushi, fireflies. But what about what God terms as beautiful? Broken hearts, refining fire, endurance beyond pain, tears. Why do I look at that list and cringe? When God takes away the things I held dear and puts me through a dry season, why do I have a hard terming that as ‘good’? Why is there a disconnect? Doesn’t God promise to give ‘good’ things? Looking at life, it rots. I live in a sin-crusted world where our definite of ‘good’ is what will bring me temporary happiness. Absolutely nothing wrong with being happy. But what happens when I don’t get that? Do I say God isn’t giving His child ‘good’ things? I desire ‘good’ things. Are they the ‘best’ things? That is for God to decide. That is the paradox in my heart. Is it wrong to desire ‘good’ things and even ‘excellent’ things? Clearly not. But what happens when God does not deem them the ‘best’ things? Do I deny His goodness when He withholds a ‘good’ thing? Or is it that my view of a ‘good’ thing is skewed? All I know is that God is good. Anything compared to Him is mediocre. Do I, then, continue to pursue good and excellent things when all I need is in Him? I am learning that maybe, just maybe, my view of ‘good’ is struggling. The taking away and dry season is good. Not getting the job I want and think I need is good. Not seeing God say yes or even just say wait is good. God seeming to say yes, then say no is good. God is making me beautiful. I am a beautiful mess. Letting go, breaking, denying selfishness. All insanely hard. I don’t want to. I don’t want to let go, break, deny my selfishness. Yet, I do. I want to with all of my soul, but not all of my flesh. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” My weakness threatens spiritual depression. Dents in my armor. Searching for spiritual Zoloft. What am I to do? “Take heart.” Take heart? “I have overcome the world.” What does this mean? “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the world?” Well, I mean, I felt like I needed to fix this. "Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place?”

Stop. Think. Gaze.

Beautiful.

This life isn’t my own. Not devised by my own hands. It’s a flash. Gone in a blink.

Beautiful.

Fashioned by a huge God Who fashioned this huge world.

Beautiful.

Take heart.

It’s all beautiful.