Desert

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." ~ Job 13:15

The sand has been caught between my toes for a while now. The desert seems endless though I've been here for what feels like forever. Looking forward seems impossible, but have I actually gone anywhere? *Cough* More sand.

Though, I look back over the last year--well, perhaps longer than that--when I started to feel the desert air in my soul, and see God's hand in it all. That gives a little oasis to my soul. Little sips of water. But God has worked. Not necessarily circumstantially (which He has), but internally.

I can recall many nights, sitting on my bedroom floor, crying, wrestling, pouring; recall drives to and from campus having frustrated conversations between God and me; mornings getting ready and wrestling with truth to get through the day--all questioning God's goodness to me. Why had so much failed? Had I failed? Had I followed God the wrong way? How do I fix this Is my faith strong enough? Where's the fruit, the stuff I expect to be tangible? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I follow and obey selflessly and with abandon? Why can't I shake this loneliness, this restlessness? Where was He? Would He ever show up? Why had He abandoned me? Had He failed me? Is He really good?

Then I look back, see my self-,destructive focus, and see how God has worked in my heart despite all of that. All of those questions. God has slowly been transforming my mind and heart to see His goodness. My temporal mindset tends to look at my "successes," my "failures"; to compare myself to someone else's "blessings," and wonder if God had forgotten me. My temporal perspective leads me to deeper insecurities that go beyond to dark places God hasn't revealed yet (and praise Him for slow revealing!).

But slowly--through this wilderness, through the wrestling--but surely, God is showing me just how good and faithful He is.

Through His Word I've seen the struggles of Abraham, Sarah, Job, Jonah, David, Hannah, Paul, and so many others. Was He ever not faithful?
Through the sunrises I witnessed almost every morning Emily and I would drag ourselves out of bed to put ourselves through torture (we called it "exercise").
Through the vast expanse of stars that were always there to overwhelm and engulf my senses, making me feel less alone.
Through the persistence of Christ-like friends who insisted on being my friends, being there even when I felt the loneliest.

But mainly through constant reminders of what Jesus did for me on the cross. He loved my heart to death. If that doesn't prove His goodness to me, then goodness doesn't exist. He died--that's enough.

"It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me."

I was able to share the Gospel with 6 year-olds tonight--simple and unadulterated--and to rehearse the simple, yet profound and life-altering truths is healing to my restless soul. It is a light to my wandering heart. It is water to my wilderness-walking being.

I still have so far to go. God hasn't revealed the end. And I'm sure doubt, wrestling, and waiting still await me. But slowly, God is transforming. Not to live with some mountain-top joy, but to be ok with the desert, one step at a time. It's the desert where God meets His weakest.

He's always been faithful, and He hasn't changed yet.