Beautiful

Beauty.

What is beauty?

So subjective, so abstract, so far-fetched.

So many definitions can be given:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Beauty is only skin deep.”

Beautiful. Lovely. Gorgeous. Pretty. Cute.

We’ve heard these words, we’ve used these words. To compliment, to describe.

I’ve been mulling this idea over in my mind recently after watching the Dove video (Real Beauty by Dove) about how women perceive themselves and beauty. Then, just tonight, I noticed how a friend had a hard time taking a compliment from someone saying she was lovely. Now, I’ve seen this happen before with other people and even myself. Why do we cringe at the thought? Why do we have a hard time smiling and saying, “thank you”? Why do we assume someone is lying when they say that we are beautiful? Pride? Fear? Because we don’t think we’ve reached the image of manufactured beauty in our heads? I see beautiful girls around me. Those with perfect sleek hair, size 4 skinny pants, proportionate facial features. I think to myself, “Man, I wish I could look like that.” Then someone tells me I’m adorable and I want to scream at them, “STOP LYING TO ME!” Can’t you tell how loving I am to them? ;)

But what really makes someone beautiful? Is there only one definition of beauty? I say yes, and no. I do think there is an absolute beauty just like there is absolute truth. But, I don’t believe we really know what it is or can ever achieve it. I believe it’s found in God alone, but that He shares it with us. He, in His wondrous, creative, and perfect way has crafted and fashioned us in what He beholds as beautiful. Created in His image. The world around us is fashioned by Him. Beautifully and wonderfully made. But, like I said before, I don’t believe we can truly see it or achieve true beauty. Why? Sin. Sin mares us, our world, and our perspective. Our own selfishness creeps in. Our skewed and perverted minds take charge. Beauty in the eye of the beholder? Yes, but that beholder is tainted by sin.

True beauty comes from Christ. The cross. The ugliest and cruelest thing imaginable is the most beautiful thing our eyes and minds can behold in this life. It brings redemption, freedom, eternal life, a relationship with a beautiful God. When we hold on to that and cherish it and let that fill our minds, hearts, souls….then we start to get a better grasp and perspective on true beauty. And that….makes us beautiful. If someone calls me beautiful, I want it to be because they see Christ. And ya know, sometimes others will see that before I will. I know my sin crusted heart…I know my struggles with sin…I know I’m not perfect and wake up every morning battling the ugliness. But because of Christ, I am beautiful. I wear His robes.

Beautiful.

Ezekiel 16

Ezekiel 16...a passage that was pointed out to me over a year ago and now a passage I go to every once in a while to remind myself of where God has brought me despite my unfaithfulness to Him.

I was abandoned.
I was wallowing in filth.
Wallowing in my own filthy blood.
No hope.

God chose me.
God rescued me from my filth.
God died for me.
God made me His child.

I live as His child for a while.
I cherish being His bride for a while.
I abandon Him for a while.

I trusted in my own beauty.
I went after other lovers.
My heart is an idol factory.

He pursued me.
He chose me.
I am His child no matter what.

I am faithless.
I am unfaithful.
God is faithful.
God is love.

What love is this...none else will ever satisfy.

Long time, no see....same God

Wow, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. Almost forgot I had it. Almost decided to forget about it completely. Not sure why I came back to it, but something drew me to it again. After reading through all of my past entries, I immediately became insecure at how open and honest I was about some things. I ask myself why now...why am I insecure and fearful at the amazing works of my God in my life? Am I looking at how others will perceive me or how others will perceive my God?

I'm glad I came back to it. I'm glad I reread the entries. Some stuff as happened since then....and by some I mean a whole stinkin bunch of stuff. Maybe little by little in the future I will reveal the journey God has brought me through over the last year and a few months. It would be good for me to do that...probably quite humbling.

In the meantime, I'll just leave you all with this thought: God is sovereign and God is good. They are inseparable. How? Not sure, but I know it's true.

Christmas??

"Dawn of Redeeming Grace"

As some of you know, I’m not much of a Christmas person. I don’t do much Christmas music, I don’t wear a Santa hat, and I probably wouldn’t even decorate if I lived alone. Over the years I’ve become a bit of a scrooge. I realized it was all the hype that comes with the season. People getting trampled at the mall, cheesy Christmas movies, 73 different versions of the horrendous song "Last Christmas", and families fighting over whose house they’ll celebrate at and who gets to cook the Christmas ham. Really? Is any of this really worth it?

Don’t get me wrong though. I do love that I get to spend time with family, especially now that we’re starting to spread out. I do love buying or making that perfect gift for someone I care about. But in the end, something feels so…..unsatisfying. I always feel like there should be something more. Maybe if I got that one thing. How come they got more than I did. The selfishness of the season drives me nuts. MY selfishness during the season drives me nuts. I’ve actually stopped asking for things and when someone asks me what I want, I just shrug and say, “Surprise me.” I’m trying to avoid being disappointed, but I always know that in the end I’m human.

I really had to step back and evaluate what this time of year SHOULD mean. After a hard year and having done my grad project on Mary and her expectations, it struck me. It’s about Light coming out of darkness. I don’t have to reiterate that Israel was looking for the Messiah. But think about it. There is so much silence between Malachi and Matthew….so much darkness. The name Mary was actually a common name of the day because of its meaning of “bitterness.” People in that day were bitter at the Romans and their circumstances. It wasn’t a good situation. The people were looking for hope. For Light. Then……BAM! The Light of the world came to earth. The God who created Mary, who created Joseph, who created the hay He laid in, who created the animals who watched Him, who created the angels who herald His birth, who created the people who mocked Him, who created the tree from which the wood of the cross came, and who created me for whom He died....that God became a helpless baby. Being a nanny has helped me see how helpless babies can be. His glory is magnified by His insignificance. But, at my darkest time when I was wallowing in my sin, there was Light. At my darkest times when I’m struggling to hold on God’s promises, there is Light. Looking at this dark world, there is Light. Holding on to this is beautiful. I can’t help but fall more in love with my Savior. He is my Dawn of redeeming grace.

So, I know I can’t change the craziness and cheesiness of Christmas, but I can bask in the Light. I can fall in love with the Light. I can share the Light. The Light out of darkness.

Two new poems - Break Free and Beautiful Brokenness

Rough drafts, but a start. Just some needful expression.

Break Free

Standing here looking at the sky

I see the birds spread their wings and fly away

If they only knew how I envy them

But instead I’m stuck here with my feet on the ground.

I keep going round and round in my head

Dealing with the thoughts I can’t seem to shake.

It’s like my feet are stuck in the thickest mud

And I just can’t seem to get out.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I see and feel bars all around me

I feel the pain of the shackles on my feet

I search desperately for the key

Or at least something to pick the lock

I try to use substitutes and distractions

Things that will never replace

I try to do it on my own

But end up on my knees.

But I don’t have to

I don’t have to have chains of bondage.

I have a choice

God has given me a choice

God has given me freedom

To break free

I’m going to break free

God has given the key

God has given me wings

God opens the door

I spread my wings

To break free

I’m going to break free

Beautiful Brokenness

There was that moment in time

When my world feel apart.

Doubled-over in pain

From a broken heart.

Everything went from bad to worse

Just like the life of Job.

I craved the sunrise

After the darkest night.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I see the faces around me

Haunted by suffering.

Hurt, distress, worry, grief.

Why must it be this way?

Amidst the dark, I see a dim light.

The light of hope not seen in the day.

If we never know pain

We’ll never know true joy.

There’s a beauty in brokenness

A diamond in the rough.

A single shining star in the dark

But never seen til night.

Refined gold never shines

Unless put through the fire.

Beautiful brokenness.

I can’t shine til tried

A light in the dark

I can’t be beautiful

Til I’m broken

God uses the broken

Scars

"And there's always scars when you fall that far." - TobyMac

"In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood." - Dante


Lately I've really noticed the large scar on Jackson's chest. For those who don't know, Jackson, the little baby that I watch on a daily basis, was born with a heart defect. He had surgery when he was 4 months old to correct it, leaving him with a large scar on his chest. I call it his heart scar. Heart scar. Think about that for a minute. I know I have several times then I think of other heart scars. Those we can't see on the outside, but feel everyday. Know what I'm talking about? We all have them. Hurts from the past, either from others or ourselves. Some heal nicely, some not so nice. Some still itch, some get infected. No two scars alike.

I can still feel my two biggest scars. They have healed differently. One still itches, but the other one is barely visible. I'll share the latter. For those who don't know, I was involved in a serious car accident about 6 years ago. I came away with just a bruised arm, but the other driver did not come away at all...she was thrown under her car and killed instantly. The image will forever be seared into my mind. I will live with it for the rest of my life. Every time I hear about a car wreck, I cringe. Anyone remember that scene in Fireproof where those girls had wrecked their car and the firefighters were trying to get their car off the railroad tracks? Yeah, I bawled the whole time. There's a tender spot on my heart concerning that. A heart scar. Praise God, He has bound up the wound and allow a barely visible scar. How do I know that? Example: I was driving home from a friend's house late the other night and happened upon a wreck that looked incredibly similar to mine....car flipped. I have no clue if anyone was hurt, but it brought flashbacks to my mind. The mental pictures. But the incredible thing was that there was no hurt. There was no nightmare. Yes, still memories, but no pain. I knew God had taken care of it. He always does.

As for my other big scar, it still itches. It's different from the other so I know it will and has taken a different healing process. I'm ok with that. I have a faithful God so I know it will be ok.

What I have found to be the coolest part about scars is that they are scars. Not open wounds.  I think about the central line/tube that was in Jackson's chest. While it was in his body (his trial), he was bound by that. He was limited. My wounds limit me. My thoughts outside of trusting God limit me. Once the doctor's removed Jackson's tube, he was free. Free to be himself. Free to fly. The same goes with me. God removes my doubts by filling me with Him. That frees me. I am free to fly. Chains no longer bind me. Only the healing of Christ binds my wounds, and that ironically frees me. I am a bird with untainted wings.

Scars are what define us. Without them, we are not who we are supposed to be. We don't grow. They make us stronger. Take heart though. They will be dissolved in eternity....

"Our scars won't be eternal. His are." - Amy Carmichael

Healing

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Ps 147:3

Lately I’ve been thinking about, and experiencing, a healing process. Well, I would say in two ways. My sanctification as a whole, and then specific situations that bring the main sanctification along. Make sense? My main sanctification meaning life and being made new and like Christ, and then the subcategories and trials of life.

So, healing. Usually when something or someone heals (physical sense), it comes in stages. Take a broken leg for example. Stage one: set the bone. Stage two: get a cast. Stage three: where the cast for a horrendously long time, enduring itchiness and people’s signatures. Stage four: get cast off and do rehab. Each is important to properly heal (except maybe the signatures). I’m learning that my spiritual life is the same way. Thankfully when God breaks me, He heals me too. But, that healing comes in stages. It won’t all just get better in one fell swoop. And, unfortunately, just like people still have troubles with their knees after having torn their ACLs and had surgery, I’ll still (and do) struggle. Even during the healing.

I’m also realizing that life isn’t about the physical, the things we can touch, see, smell, hear, experience through senses. It’s about the spiritual. I may not have all I want physically or circumstantially, but I can still be content. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, no. It’s not. Honestly, there are a lot of things I wish I could change or ‘fix,’ but I’m learning that it’s myself that needs ‘fixing.’ Circumstances and the physical are just catalysts. God is healing me. He’s pushing me to trust Him more. Let Him handle it because He has so many times in the past. Yeah, He could fix the external. He has that power. But He’s choosing to fix the eternal, not the temporary. I think about all the times Jesus healed people during His time here on earth. Yes, He healed many physical needs, but His purpose was to heal the spiritual needs. So many times he would accompany the healings with “sin no more,” or “thy faith has saved you.” He wanted them to drink of the Living Water so they would thirst no more.

Going back to healing, I can’t help but thing of rehab. It can be hard. Really hard if you push yourself too much. Same with the spiritual. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle without Him, so I think that’s why He gives us little trials and then they usually seem to get bigger and bigger, but really, if we’re growing and becoming stronger in Christ, they really aren’t bigger. Make sense? Like with weightlifting, the stronger you get, the bigger weights you can lift and it gets easier. I think the more God tests us and we see Jesus, the easier it will be to give ourselves to Him. Not easy, mind you. Just easier.

I am a broken person. I will always struggle. But it’s not about my circumstances. It’s about my responses to them. That’s what God wants to heal. God, change my heart. Let me see you bigger. You’re choosing to fix the eternal, not the temporary.

Thoughts? How has God been healing you?