Hair Journey

So, tonight, a 3 year hair journey ended with a few short snips of the scissors. "3 years?" one might ask. Well, let me explain.

3 years ago I had a drastic hair cut...for those who knew me then remember how short. Almost too short (think pixie cut, but slightly longer). It left a bad taste in my mouth so I decided that I wasn't going to cut my hair for at least a year. After that year was over and my hair was much longer (in comparison), I kind of liked it longer and others that I was close to did too. Now, people talk about attaching memories to inanimate objects...well, that happened to be my hair. I remember events and memories based on my hair length. Sounds silly, but if you've ever experienced the same phenomena with an object, place, song, etc., then you understand. It's like, when you hear that certain song, a certain memory pops us. That.

The turning point in deciding that I would grow my hair out to donate happened about a year and a half ago. As some know, I nannied a little boy who had leukemia at the time (praise the Lord, he doesn't anymore :) ) and had to spend many hours and days in the hospital with him. While there I saw many kids who were battling cancer as well and I wanted to do something to help. Obviously, I'm not a doctor or could be a caregiver to all of them. I already regularly gave blood (seeing blood transfusions was neat), and then it dawned on me that with my hair getting longer and longer, I could donate that. I had gotten used to not cutting it so I knew I could be patient enough to keep growing it. The times I did want to cut it after that, I always pictured Jackson's little face and the faces of the other kids battling for their lives and I left it alone. If I could alleviate at least one thing in one kid's life, that would be awesome.

As time went on, I grew attached to my hair (no pun intended ;) ), and again, I had attached so many memories to it. But then God started me on a journey a couple of months ago that made tonight quite appropriate for this cutting. He brought me to Northland, a place I never expected to be, threw me in a play where I discovered aspects of theatre I never explored, and gave me relationship opportunities I never expected. A new chapter. A changing mindset. It may seem silly (and since when do I care what others think? ;) ), but cutting my hair was symbolic. Giving of myself. Letting go. Not of the memories, but allowing myself to move forward to continue to give of myself. Nothing of me or my life is mine. It's for the purpose of serving and loving others. Giving my hair is just a start.

Beautiful

Beauty.

What is beauty?

So subjective, so abstract, so far-fetched.

So many definitions can be given:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Beauty is only skin deep.”

Beautiful. Lovely. Gorgeous. Pretty. Cute.

We’ve heard these words, we’ve used these words. To compliment, to describe.

I’ve been mulling this idea over in my mind recently after watching the Dove video (Real Beauty by Dove) about how women perceive themselves and beauty. Then, just tonight, I noticed how a friend had a hard time taking a compliment from someone saying she was lovely. Now, I’ve seen this happen before with other people and even myself. Why do we cringe at the thought? Why do we have a hard time smiling and saying, “thank you”? Why do we assume someone is lying when they say that we are beautiful? Pride? Fear? Because we don’t think we’ve reached the image of manufactured beauty in our heads? I see beautiful girls around me. Those with perfect sleek hair, size 4 skinny pants, proportionate facial features. I think to myself, “Man, I wish I could look like that.” Then someone tells me I’m adorable and I want to scream at them, “STOP LYING TO ME!” Can’t you tell how loving I am to them? ;)

But what really makes someone beautiful? Is there only one definition of beauty? I say yes, and no. I do think there is an absolute beauty just like there is absolute truth. But, I don’t believe we really know what it is or can ever achieve it. I believe it’s found in God alone, but that He shares it with us. He, in His wondrous, creative, and perfect way has crafted and fashioned us in what He beholds as beautiful. Created in His image. The world around us is fashioned by Him. Beautifully and wonderfully made. But, like I said before, I don’t believe we can truly see it or achieve true beauty. Why? Sin. Sin mares us, our world, and our perspective. Our own selfishness creeps in. Our skewed and perverted minds take charge. Beauty in the eye of the beholder? Yes, but that beholder is tainted by sin.

True beauty comes from Christ. The cross. The ugliest and cruelest thing imaginable is the most beautiful thing our eyes and minds can behold in this life. It brings redemption, freedom, eternal life, a relationship with a beautiful God. When we hold on to that and cherish it and let that fill our minds, hearts, souls….then we start to get a better grasp and perspective on true beauty. And that….makes us beautiful. If someone calls me beautiful, I want it to be because they see Christ. And ya know, sometimes others will see that before I will. I know my sin crusted heart…I know my struggles with sin…I know I’m not perfect and wake up every morning battling the ugliness. But because of Christ, I am beautiful. I wear His robes.

Beautiful.

Ezekiel 16

Ezekiel 16...a passage that was pointed out to me over a year ago and now a passage I go to every once in a while to remind myself of where God has brought me despite my unfaithfulness to Him.

I was abandoned.
I was wallowing in filth.
Wallowing in my own filthy blood.
No hope.

God chose me.
God rescued me from my filth.
God died for me.
God made me His child.

I live as His child for a while.
I cherish being His bride for a while.
I abandon Him for a while.

I trusted in my own beauty.
I went after other lovers.
My heart is an idol factory.

He pursued me.
He chose me.
I am His child no matter what.

I am faithless.
I am unfaithful.
God is faithful.
God is love.

What love is this...none else will ever satisfy.

Long time, no see....same God

Wow, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. Almost forgot I had it. Almost decided to forget about it completely. Not sure why I came back to it, but something drew me to it again. After reading through all of my past entries, I immediately became insecure at how open and honest I was about some things. I ask myself why now...why am I insecure and fearful at the amazing works of my God in my life? Am I looking at how others will perceive me or how others will perceive my God?

I'm glad I came back to it. I'm glad I reread the entries. Some stuff as happened since then....and by some I mean a whole stinkin bunch of stuff. Maybe little by little in the future I will reveal the journey God has brought me through over the last year and a few months. It would be good for me to do that...probably quite humbling.

In the meantime, I'll just leave you all with this thought: God is sovereign and God is good. They are inseparable. How? Not sure, but I know it's true.